Married to a Man {guest post}

Every man wants to be told that he’s a hero.  The longer I live with this person of the opposite sex, the more I’m convinced of the truth in this statement.  I used to think this was a result of some kind of depraved need for a big ego.  But I don’t think so anymore.  All men are called to be Christ.  They are called to die little deaths every single day.  They are called to lay down their lives for their women and their children.  Their vocation is indeed one of self-sacrificial love.  He may not say it, or express it in the way our flowery hearts desire, but most men tend to speak in actions anyway.  St. Joseph was a man whose spoken words are never recorded in the Gospels but the Church holds him in esteem above all other male saints because of his actions.  He died to himself. He risked his reputation, his health and his very life for his woman and Child.  Everything about him is heroic… if in a quiet way. He really is the model hero.

            I think there’s something deep in the primordial psyche of every man—even if it’s not perceptible to his own self, or even if he suffers from a distorted world view—that desires to be St. Joseph… that desires to save the day.  I read somewhere once that men need to know that they are admired and respected even more than they need to know they are loved!  As a woman, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around that but after consulting a few different respectable men (not egotistical, machismo types), I am assured that this is true.  So what exactly am I supposed to do about that?

Living in a culture which values egalitarianism in marriage arrangements, it can be difficult to get into the habit of praising and publicly admiring our spouses—as if it somehow diminishes our own worth or hints at an oppressively sexist relationship to admit that we need, honor and obey him. (Personally, I think the problem is mostly in semantics: our culture tends to misunderstand words like “submissive” which is not synonymous to “doormat” or the word “sacrifice” which isn’t such a horrid thing after all.) Plus, when marriage hits the inevitable tensions and discord (we aren’t married to an actual St. Joseph after all), the last thing we want to do is lift him up in the eyes of others!  “He doesn’t deserve praise!”  (Do any of us?)  But the need to do this shouldn’t shift with the tides of our feelings about him, especially for the sake of our children.  We don’t want to drive a wedge between them and him and we want to cultivate in them a healthy sense of awe for their father.

Consider also the need to lift him up for his own sake.  If you want to be married to a sniveling child, treat him like one.   Nag him, criticize him, cut him down in front of his friends, roll your eyes with your girlfriends and try to top their stories by chattering about how ridiculous he is.  Let everyone know his faults.  But if you treat him like a man he just might surprise you and rise to the occasion.  If you want to be married to a man—to a hero—treat him like one!  Every day at suppertime, make a point to thank him in front of the children for something he did (even if it’s just taking out the trash or simply showing up at work that day).  Any chance you get, turn him into a hero.  If you aren’t married to a man who regularly pulls people from burning buildings or dives into the ocean to save drowning children, look for the small things and make them big. It’s been said before that “A hero is simply a man who does what he can.” I try very hard to cultivate an image of a great, capable, powerful and righteous father in my children’s eyes:  Look at what a great job Papa did fixing your bike!  Isn’t he so strong to lift that huge box in the garage?!  Papa, you were awesome cutting down that that tree! Wow, Papa fixed the broken pipe! What a good man to go to work in spite of his exhaustion! Hooray, Papa saved us and killed the rat (Sorry St. Francis, diplomacy didn’t work)! Did you boys see how your dad helped pull that woman’s car out of the snow?

On the public level, despite my occasional slip-ups, I try not to let out the dirty laundry about our personal struggles. I try to make a point to express how proud I am of his accomplishments or character traits.  Everyone who visits our house sees how great of a job he did building the boys’ beds or crafting me a lovely Rosary holder, or rewiring some electrical components.   I praise him for being such an innovative thinker, such an ethical worker, and such a selfless giver of his time.  They don’t need to know that I’m not particularly happy with some of his habits or that he struggles with such and such in his spirituality.  Close friends can be confided in with some things, but not in a way that brings dishonor to our family unity.

Most of all, I take time when I remember or notice to tell him how awesome and how needed he is.  This is particularly important in our relationship because after spending years as a military family enduring several deployments, I grew accustomed to having a lot of control over things like finances and parenting practices and he can sometimes feel like he’s just along for the ride if I’m not careful.  Furthermore, while he is one of the most brilliant thinkers I’ve known, the fact is that I have a verbal edge in our communication which is unfortunately easy to manipulate in the absolutely wrong way.  Therefore, his need to be affirmed, appreciated and admired seems very poignant to me.  I try to make a point to tell him especially when he does something “heroic” in my eyes (e.g investigating the scary noise in the basement at 2 am or plunging the toilet after our middle son has had his way with it).  I especially praise him when he goes out of his comfort zone for the sake of the family or others… when he dies those little deaths to himself like letting his daughter eat the last pancake that I know he wanted or working overtime shifts to help pay for the birth of our new baby.

For all his flaws, for all the mystery and crown of thorns that is marriage, this man is still my best friend whom I love and treasure.  But he needs to hear more than that.  He needs to know that he’s my rock and he’s worthy of admiration. In reality, we are all married to a hero.  Created in the image and likeness of God, every man is worthy of honor and respect.  There’s a little bit of St. Joseph inside of each husband.  Sometimes it just takes the feminine genius of a wife to draw it out of him.

“And each man stands with his face in the light of his own drawn sword.    Ready to do what a hero can.” 

                        -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

- Ellie

This article was reprinted with permission from the Soul Gardening Journal, a ministry for mothers. If you like what you read, please check out their website, order a journal  and if you feel generous leave them a little donation! They are doing this out of love for their vocation and love for God.




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